Dave and Cheryl suffered in helpless silence for years as their son struggled with alcohol.
“There were a lot of nights where my wife would be crying and we would be asking ourselves, ‘What did we do wrong?’” Dave said. “Some of our friends knew what was going on, but we were hiding it. We were in shame.”
Today, Dave will talk about their experience with anybody who will listen.
One reason is the realization that many parents suffer as they did, and that they shouldn’t blame themselves. The other reason is their deep gratitude to Guiding Light for helping their son, Matthew.
“When people ask me about different things, and if they’re having problems, usually my first recommendation is to have them call Guiding Light,” Dave said. “I’ve become an evangelist about it.”
Dave and Cheryl also have become donors.
“For us, it was a natural thing to do,” he said. “As I like to say, Guiding Light gave us our son back.”
That road back was a long one for Matthew.
“I was just delusional,” he said. “I wasn’t happy about where I was in life, so I would drink and I would kind of just pretend it was OK and forget everything.”
His problems began adding up after he dropped out of college his freshman year, moved to his parents’ basement and fell down a nine-year spiral. That included run-ins with the law, hospitalizations, getting hired then getting fired for drinking on the job, rehabs and relapses.
“I went to a 30-day program and then kind of picked up drinking about a day after I got out,” Matthew said. “I still remember when my mom caught me drinking again. She was crying and that was probably the most painful thing I’ve ever felt.”
The mother of a childhood friend convinced Matthew to speak with the family’s former parish priest, who connected him with another priest, who talked to him about Guiding Light.
After the initial shock of learning he was entering a four-month program, Matthew embraced the discipline and structure of Guiding Light. He is most grateful for the strong bonds of community — which continued after he completed the recovery program and moved to Iron House, our sober living apartments for men.
Now two and a half years sober, Matthew can see the changes in his life.
“I guess the biggest thing is I don’t have to lie about things and keep adding onto lies, remembering lies,” he said. “I feel more in control of my life. I can make a difference, and I have agency over my life.”
Matthew also is grateful for the restored relationship with his parents, something that came into focus recently on a recent trip for his grandmother’s funeral.
“I rode with them down there and I drove more than half the way, and it felt like they treated me normally and not like a broken alcoholic,” he said. “There were no words or anything, but just kind of their actions and tones, they weren’t watching me the whole time.”
Matthew and Dave have been attending one-year celebrations together at Guiding Light, and the family has started a tradition of getting together for Sunday dinners whenever they can. Dave said he appreciates the simple interactions that have become possible again.
“The whole dynamic is, ‘OK, he wants to be around us,’” Dave said. “He appreciates us and we appreciate him for being him again.”
Dave’s advice for other parents is to reach out for help.
“Most people think it’s only happening to them. We thought we were in our own little world,” he said. “It took a number of years for us to realize that it wasn’t our fault that we couldn’t change him, only he could change himself.”
By becoming Guiding Light donors, Dave and Cheryl want to make it possible for others to experience the transformation their son did.
“We figured if they could help him out, when he had no means at all, and they were willing to give him a chance — there are a lot of other people in the same situation,” Dave said. “If we could help fund just one person to help them get through, why not? So, Guiding Light is our charity.”
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